Where My Thoughts Matter

e m P t Y

Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a peice of paper; But it's Empty

The Past

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 ( 8:30 AM )

Everyone has their own past. the things they've done, accomplished or even regret. For me, my past has been memorable yet regretful. There are things in the past I really wished I could have changed, or had never done. Until today, I still question what had made me do such things, or made such decisions. I really don't know. I guess this is what you call regrets. But of course there are things in the past that make me go, awwww, or grin just thinking about it. So yea, my mind often rewinds itself to the 'before this' days. The days when I was this, when I had this and had that and did this, and that, with them or him or her. Sometimes, its amazing and sometimes its depressing. The past can leave us with grins or tears. Depending on which you decide to look unto.

Personally, the past isn't all that bad. Its what makes me become a better person. Its the past that's the constant bell that rings when I come to the point of decision. They help me make my decisions and plans for the future. They help me think twice before doing something. I guess I'm grateful for that.

But now, at this very moment, I don't know why, I'm starting to ponder about this matter again. Even if in the past, I may have screwed up a couple of times, but I don't know why, it just seem to drive me to do it AGAIN. yes again. I very well know what the outcome of this is, Then why am I here pondering on what I should do, or whether or not I should do it? All my efforts of trying to be normal and forgive and forget might just go to waste just like that. I can honestly think of so much more negative outcomes then the positives. But why am I still leaning to the 'do it' side? But there's just something. that urge, that need to get the answer, the need to get the reason. I think that's what I truly want. Because, I don't think I can completely move one until I get it. But yea.. I'm still forcing myself to try to think rationally, but then there's this voice in my head that's saying. You need to know, what's the worse that could happen? It'd be over by then anyway? why not give it another chance? =.= (that's also what Qianru said) but I know, I've done my part before this, and its not up to me anymore. Its up to the big guy up there. =) and that's what I constantly remind myself. But hopefully, I'd just get over this sudden thought of mine and just try my best to be normal again. Hopefully, all this pays off.

Sometimes, somethings just can't be changed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIEL LIM CHERN LIANG

Saturday, May 12, 2012 ( 9:52 AM )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU! yes you. Daniel Lim, the awesomest koko in the world. Thank you so much for everything in the past! =) I know I've made you pissed and emo a couple of times and I'm really sorry.... Thank you so much for all the things that you've done for me and all the advice and talks you've given me. You truely are someone I can always count on even though I know I may not be the best person in the world right now.. but I just wanna thank you for everything =) I thank God for giving me such an amazing brother. You are an amazing person, musician and a person with big dreams. Hopefully you'll make those dreams come true and don't forget to tell me when they do =) Also, I will try my best to be a better mei mei aite =) HEEES And to be honest, I actually didn't remember today was your birthday until like 12.15 just now. SORRY. the better mei mei part shall start tomorrow. HAHA please forgive me. And i hope this makes up for it. HAHA again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU! God Bless You!

P.S. please bring the videosss... =(

Love,

Amanda (your very guilty sister)

What I found in my biology book today.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012 ( 3:28 AM )

Salutations Hui En,
If you're reading this, you'll probably know about my disappearance. I have decided to drop out of school and become a waitress at mcD. HAHA kidding. I have better ambitions. I work at Kopitiam now. I live in an illegally built apartment at Subang. It's not as bad as it sounds. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, my roommates bring home prostitutes so I have friends to accompany me while I watch the cooking channel. Kidding! I hate cooking. They're actually friendly and not as slutty as you think prostitutes are. They are human beings too! Also, I'm pregnant with Jared Leto ( 30 seconds to mars) child but I'm keeping it a secret, so HUSH HUSH! You can email me if you want.

Love,
Kexin the waitress

GB camp 2012

Monday, April 30, 2012 ( 1:33 AM )

Happy Monday!
Hope you guys had a good weekend, for those who didnt well too bad la. But I had an exceptionally good but tiring weekend=) Was at MBS rawang for GB CAMP! wooots. The form 4's were the organisers so, me and 9 other committee members had be planning this camp for like 2 months now =) Thank God that everything turned out well even if we had our bumps here and there. But it was some good fun =)
The committees were suppose to be in the same room but Mrs Ting said it wasn't a good idea and the committees had to split and be in seperate rooms. So, Viann, Jo Mun and I were in the same dorm as 20+ other 13 and 14 year olds. I thought it'd be bad at 1st, but it turned out pretty well=) It was really fun although they made a lot of noise, but I'm glad it had brought most of us together.
We also had the whole guardian angel and mortal thing, organised by Jo Mun. I got a 13 year old girl name Rachel as my mortal, She's really cute and she sleeps above the 3 of us. LOL. I didn't quite a number of things for her like got food for her on the 2nd day, bought clips and chocolates and drinks and notebooks and stickers for her. I also made her bed and left her tiny notes. LOL she's really sweet looking and cute. Got voted for best guardian angel by her. So that was pretty nice. I didn't get to find out who my angel was though, but she was nice too. All in all we had a good time I believe. Although, it wasn't easy with misunderstandings and arguments here and there, but I'm glad everything turned out fine.
Sooo yea.. thats all for now =) Becca has twitter now! so duh happy after pestering her for so long. LOL

Bye.

My group's name tag. Agathosune. Goodness in Greek. Pretty nametag eh?

Its the fruits of the spirit.

The envelopes. Credits to Sabrina Wong. Didn't get a picture of the clues inside though

Group pictha!

Melissa =)

WEEE!

Lavinnaaa.

Committees pictha! Viann claims I'm the odd one out cause I smile with no teeth. YERR!

Dear Mom

Tuesday, April 10, 2012 ( 9:54 AM )

Dear Mom,

I am so sorry for not being able to be a good daughter so far. I am so sorry that you have to take the blame for me all the time. I know that dad can be very mean and harsh and I know it is very difficult to stand him sometimes. But I am really sorry. I know it is unfair that you have to stick up for me all the time. Even when I don't know what to say, or how to react. Please hang in there mom. I promise to be a better daughter and treat you better. I also want to be a good mom in the future like you too. Thank you for everything and I will try my best to be a daughter you can be proud of.

I love you, mom

Sincerely,

Your very sorry daughter.

Eastahh...

Sunday, April 8, 2012 ( 12:52 AM )

Happy Easter everyone!

Yea, this is gonna be a short post just wanting to wish all of you a Happy Easter. This year's Easter for me was alright. had Easter service and we did our Easter sketch=) It was great. The dance, the sketch. it was good fun=)

Also, couple of people close to me are back in EEIIPOHH. Aunt and Uncle form Aussie's back. and so is Elena=) WOOOTS. so yeaa...for the past few weeks, I've been uber busy with the Easter and GB camp stuff and I'm gonna be busy for quite a while after this too. In a way, its good too eh? kinda helps me get my mind of things. well (not really. LOL) but yea.. I'm okay. I mean I've been better but I can't ask for so much eh. Anyways, I guess thats all for now.

Toodles!

Square One

Saturday, March 17, 2012 ( 3:48 AM )

Hello there :) Its the holidays now but unfortunately its coming to an end=(

But I'm happy to say that I've spent my holidays well. On wednesday, I went to the Running SPY camp =) TRUST ME. it was beyond awesome. The organisers really organised it well. We ALL just had a blast there. I wish I could go back now. but unfortunately I can't=( is looking forward to the next running SPY camp. But I'm glad to see that people who came , who's lives I believe have been changed. I hope to see them return to SPY after this. Seriously, it felt right being there. Like it was a family. and of course the Head of the family was God himself =). It was great to hear P.s Loke preach and it really blew my mind. LOL All in all it was an amazing experience and is anticipating to watch the video tomorrow.

Picthas!

All the participants and the helpers =)

Session time.

Where we stayed

Mission time

Aqua Zorbing. This was damn hard to do okay.

Aqua Skipper. Another very hard thing to do. Wui Hao was the only one that got it. LOL

Stand up paddling =)

BBQ at night.

Session 4 and altar call.

Well yea, thats pretty much most of it. I didn't find any pictures of flying fox though =( Oh and I think this was the highlight of the camp.

This was at 12 am of day 2. The staff had a surpirse for us. And we all climbed up a hill for about 20 minutes. Along the way we say fireflies and it was really nice la with the cool breeze and all. When we reached the top, we looked down and saw the city and its lights and it was seriously amazing. They also made a camp fire and lay out sheets for us to sit on. As we were walking up and at the top itself, I swear, the stars were amazing. I have never seen so many stars in my life. I'm serious. They told us that that spot was famous for the nightview and SHOOTING STARS. yes, I saw a shooting star, but forgot to wish upon it. LOL we then started to play games and just stare at stars. It was great. I loved that place. =)

So yea, tats all for camp. It was really tiring I must say but worth every sweat. =)

Yea, and I think you guys should know too that I'm back to where I was in 2010, and end of 2011. yes. that sad, recovering phase of my life. I thought time could finally heal my broken heart and make me forget the pass and could finally move on. but unfortunately NOT. :( And i realise that I cannot completely move on until I get a hold of my feelings, So... yea. Its over for now. I just need some time alone right now so please, understand.

As for my feelings. Gahh, how much pain and hurt you have brought to me. Though I know my feelings aren't gonna go anywhere or do me any good, I'm just gonna let it be, lock up inside my mind for now. I don't know what I can do anymore. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Kexin thinks I'm putting myself in misery for I already know what the outcome of this is. Why would I risk getting hurt over and over again. I DON'T KNOW MYSELF. Amanda, why you so dumb. But ahh yea, I get by little by little through the help of friends and family. and of course God. I'll just surrender this to him and well, its all up to Him now =) I don't think I can cry anymore. Everytime I think about this, I cry. But it makes me feel better in a way. just to cry it out. Just yesterday, I played hillsongs songs in the background and just cry it all out. I felt much better knowing that I was comforted by something greater than anyone else. So yea.. I guess for now, I'm just lost. But i'll find my way back =) I will.

BELIEVE. FAITH. TRUST.

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